Rage, Parenthood, and Narcissism

When you hear about serial killers and mass murders think of the word you're going to use to define them. Just take an actual second and think of the word. Did sociopath, *ssh*l*, major depressive, anti-social, narcissist, or possibly psychopath ever come to mind? FYI psychopath is the word I'm looking for if you seem to have missed the italics that magically appeared around the word "psychopath". Yes, they can be manipulating, cunning, angry, liars and just plainly awful people, but here's one thing that they are amazing at: parenting. Ever want a husband or a wife who'll protect their child even if it requires a lengthy and painful removing of an arm and a leg, well, Papa psychopath is there for you!

Now, this doesn't apply to all, just the statistical majority. So, why might a psychopath might be good parents? well my imaginary questioner who thinks too much as they read, psychopaths, like the narcissist, are self-absorbed; I think I just related a person who has a conscience to someone who doesn't. Listen, I mean read, carefully! The psychopath is a person who is devoid of sympathy and empathy, a narcissist is just devoid of sympathy. Psychopathy is genetically set in (before age two) while narcissism is environmentally set in (before age eighteen). Starting to see the differences? Good, because I'm going to explain narcissism fairly briefly. A narcissist is someone who is so enveloped in their own shame that they... wait for it as this is the site topic... lie to themselves (not others as every oddly believes) about what they're capable of. This lying to the self allows the narcissist to accumulate a sense of hubris making them feel that they're capable of anything. (I think in my next post I'll write about narcissism and addictions.)

Psychopathy is basically someone who has an underdeveloped amygdala. The amygdala is what we use to feel certain emotions, not all, but just some. These emotions include anger, fear, sadness, surprise, happiness, disgust, and possibly - I repeat possibly - contempt. Contempt seems to be Universal in expression, but I have a bit of trouble accepting it as Universal because I feel more research is needed since it has an asymmetrical facial expression and seems to require self-evaluation. If you know of a good reference, COMMENT! That way I can edit this post and include it for it to be properly shared as some people don't read the comments; these people are probably psychopaths in disguise BTW. The amygdala's developmental neurobiology is fairly simple. As we grow, the greater amount of eye contact the caregiver gives, the greater the growth of gray matter in the amygdala. The psychopath is empathy-less and has a difficult time dealing with the facial expressions of disgust which is probably due to right-hemisphere dysfunction; I looked this up BTW if you check the bibliography. Also, psychopaths aren't actually all serial killer this and violent criminal that, they're just pathological liars who never seem to learn their lesson.

Now, why is a psychopath such a good parent? Well, I have to come clean, they aren't. They can be wife beaters, child beaters, cheaters, drug addicts, liars, pocket burners, but, they are good at protecting their child. Why? Well IQ (Imaginary Questioner), its because they see their child as an expansion of who they are. The psychopath only cares about themselves, and if they only care about themselves, then they are certainly going to care for their child.

Little Girl: "Daddy, I want a doggie!"
Papa Psychopath: "Alright sweetheart." Hmm... The neighbors have a dog. Maybe I can 'borrow' theirs?

As you read, they're probably not the best parent for getting along with society, but they're great when you need the child to be protected. They'll do better than the average mother. Hell, they're probably the only thing better than the mother in child protection. Now you're wondering, "hey, you wrote child beating up there?" Yes, yes I did. Consider the following:

Little Girl: "Daddy, I want a doggie!"
Papa Psychopath: "No f*ck*ng way in Hell! They're awful and disgusting animals!" Raises his arm,.. but by doing so leaves mid-section unprotected... (This is to leave open a chance for you to mulch over your fantasy of being Little Girl or saving Little Girl from evil Papa Psychopath.)

See, are you starting to understand the "child protection" part? Notice I put "disgusting" into his statement? I did this because I just want you to know that not all psychopaths know that they're psychopaths and that some may be saying the words "disgusting", "revolting", or "scornful" when they really mean "frustrating", "bad childhood experience", or "trepidation". Now we get into narcissism. The psychopath doesn't and never has actually cared for the child at all, they just see themselves in the child. And from here, we enter the real topic of what the post is about: Rage, Parenthood, and Narcissism.

The psychopath protected their child from what they believed to be bad or in-congruent with a successful life. I personally believe all parents do this. All. No parent wants to teach their child to become a bad person and unsuccessful at life; honestly, who does? But, where did the psychopath go wrong? Well IQ, the psychopath went wrong because they forgot to protect their mid-section. No, I'm just joking. They went wrong because they can't see the child as someone else, someone who isn't them. Ever seen Black Swan? The mother in this movie is completely self-absorbed about who her daughter becomes and doesn't see her as a different person. Maybe, you might recall a time when your caregiver once said "Oh, my sons/daughters (becoming) a..." or "s/he got this amazing achievement!" This is referred to psychiatrists as the narcissistic parent, but I don't agree as this can only happen when the parent truly believes the child is dysfunctional, but lies to themselves about it because they can't handle the shame. The correct word for this is naches. Naches is Yiddish and means to feel proud of what a parent has accomplished in raising their child. The expression of naches is kvell by the way.

"I'm feeling naches pride right now."
"I'm expressing kvell pride right now."

This is the word that I'll be using in place of narcissistic parent as I can't agree with their line of thought. You can probably work it out from here, but what happens when a person doesn't agree with what their parent believes? Well, you find that rage. People become enraged by what their child does because think they can change it. If they didn't believe it was on-purpose, why get angry? Why not get sad if they believed it was accidental? And now you know why parents get angry: because they believe they can change the child's behavior for the better, or rather, raise the child as society has it defined.

Well, that's quite all nice, but about naches and kvell? Well IQ, I must say that as I have read, there are three parents who become chronic in the feelings of naches and kvell.

1. "The one who merges with and exploits [the] child as a kind of narcissistic feed, with little or no capacity to empathize;
2. "The one who completely abandons [the] child in pursuit of attention or admiration from others;
3. "The one who envies [the] separating child for everything the child seems to possess but [the parent] does not." (Burgo, 2012)

In number one, this parent is likely our narcissistic parent who uses the child to, in a way, continue their own career, fame, and respect for the "family name". In number two, this parent maybe the one who uses the child to show how well they did raising their child. in number three, this is the child that is used by the parent to reflect how much better the parent is than the child. This is likely the parent who feels threatened by how the child may become more successful than they did. In all these cases, it is obviously apparent that all parents will feel this way and display probably every three of these naches or kvell feelings. What differentiates a proper parent from an improper parent is how chronic these feelings become and if that "raising" part is synonymous to anyone of the above three.

In summary, I have introduced you to the psychopath, a perfect embodiment of the chronic 1 parent. I never spent much time writing about the number 2 or 3 chronic parent as I felt they're pretty self-explanatory. It is in my belief that the chronic 1 parent is in need of a bit of research as it deals heavily with this sites topic: self-deception. From the grandiosity of thinking to the reverence of shame, we all deceive ourselves and I want to know: why?

Bibliography and Works Cited

Burgo, J. (2012, March 20). The Narcissistic Mother | After Psychotharapy. Retrieved March 27, 2012, from After Psychotherapy: http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/the-narcissistic-mother/

Libby, J., Mayer, A. R., Suchy, Y., & Kosson, D. S. (2002). Facial Affect Recognition in Criminal Psychopaths. Emotion, 2 (4), 398-411.